b natural. c sharp.

My grandma passed away on the fourth of July after being in Hospice care for 3 weeks. She was 92 years old and did not suffer at all, she was simply weak and it was her time to go. The whole experience wasn’t terribly difficult (for me) and we’re all doing well. I’m excited for my mom who has taken care of my grandma for as long as I can remember, doing more than any one person should be required. It’s time for her to get her life back and she’s earned it.

The viewing was Monday and the funeral was today. I’m exhausted after playing with my cousins and stuffing my face all day. I’ve been thinking about the whole funeral process and thought it would make for an interesting blog while it’s still on my mind. I’ve been to 4 funerals in my life so far. The first was for my grandpa (mom’s dad) but I don’t remember much of it because I was too little. The only thing I can recall is the day they got the news and how upset my mom was, then the viewing where I got to pick out my favorite flower arrangement to take home. I picked the one with the flowers that I’d never seen before.

Next came the viewing for my friend Jen’s brother a few years back. He commit suicide, he was very young, and it was extremely sad. Although I wasn’t very close to him I felt so horrible for his family. I can’t even imagine how hard that was, and probably still is to this day.

This past fall my grandpop (Dad’s dad) died of lung cancer. He was 82 and lived a good life, but it was really hard on me. I had trouble sleeping throughout the whole thing and got sad about it every night for quite a while. It was my first really close loss and full blown funeral experience that I can remember. This most recent one wasn’t as difficult for me - maybe because it was less sudden, maybe it was because I was more prepared, maybe it was because I had a different relationship with my grandma, or maybe it will just hit me later. Regardless, it has still been a sad time for me and my family and I didn’t like this funeral process any more than the first.

The whole viewing thing really weirds me out. While it’s wonderful to see all your family and friends come out to support you, there is nothing I would rather do less than tell people “what I’ve been up to” while hanging around a dead body. For me so far, grieving has always been a more private thing and it’s hard for me to go through the motions while having those thoughts in the back of my mind.

The actual funeral doesn’t bother me as much because it’s short and to the point other than the religious ceremonial aspects, although I do seem to cry more. Being not very religious, I sometimes get exasperated by the priest’s comments in combination with my grief - for the most part, nothing he can say about god is going to make me feel better at that moment. However, the thing that really gets me is when you get to the burial site and the casket is closed. While the open casket freaks me out a bit, it’s my grandma in there… I can see her… she’s clearly not alive… she looks really weird… but I can see her still. I never feel at rest when saying that last goodbye. At the burial site I always have the urge jump up to peek in the casket… just one last look… just one more ounce of closure. Sadly that moment never comes and it’s still hard to wrap my brain around the fact that she’s gone.

The whole dying and bereavement thing still feels very new for me. I’m disconsolate knowing that these 4 experiences are just a few of many to come. Not to be cheesy, but I can only hope they are few and far between and cherish every day that my family and friends are still with me. <3

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 8th, 2008 at 11:01 pm and is filed under Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.